Hi. It’s been a few days since I’ve laid down some bloggage that didn’t have to do with promoting a show or showing you some photos of band-happenings… and I want this blog to be more than just a commercial for the band, or a photo album:-)… but also a place you can get to know what we’re about as human-people-persons:-) Something happened recently. Well, more specifically something starting growing inside of me (and maybe to some degree the other guys too)… since I tend to not be the stressful type, it took me awhile to realize it was panic. An odd kind of panic that seems to be seeping in from the subconscious… which just might be the second worst kind (the first worst kind being emergency style actual situational panic). 

So let me back up a second so this can make some actual sense to you my blog-reading friend (I think I have some kind of dull point to make). 

Creating is great. What a friggin gift. There’s nothing, then you do some focused thinking, some focused feeling, you stir it up with some desire and your chosen medium and BLAMO: “art”.

To create something honest you have to have control of the outcome to some degree (you can’t just blindly throw paint at the wall and call it art… oh wait, yes you can. ha).. anyways, control is essential or at the very least, it’s YOU who decides when to control (act deliberately)… and when to lose control, when that’s what’s required. It’s left brain, right brain tag team wrestling and the Whole Wide World + Your Limitations = the Opponent.

So while all of that is going on, one day you decide “Wow, I love this. I don’t want to do anything else. I’ll make this ‘creating stuff’ thing my job, and I’ll be stoked all the time!”. And before you know it you’ve invited Mr. Commerce into the vacuum like world of your creativity. Mr. Commerce is quite a guy. One day he’s your best buddy, the next day he’s Adolf Hitler and he’s marching you off to Camp. And not summer camp. Mr. Commerce has data. He has facts. He knows the past like nobodies business. He’s a recent history expert and he believes he knows exactly what tomorrow wants because he’s cashing the checks of yesterday. Mr. Commerce will inhabit you like a parasite if you let him… and you might even like it! I’m writing this blog in a house that I worked in a 50/50 partnership with Mr. Commerce to pay for! 

BUT, I sometimes forget to remember that Mr. Commerce doesn’t live here. He’s a guest, and he’s got to leave when he’s not welcome. He can’t hang around when it’s time to write… sure he can call… or maybe text… send an e-mail… MAYBE even stop in for coffee… but if he stays too long you’ll notice he’s taken over a drawer in your dresser, filled your fridge with sparkling water and he seems to be flirting with your wife.

I have digressed!

Ok, so now that you’ve been introduced to my version of Mr. Commerce, I can tell you that over the past couple weeks, he moved into my house and tried to take over my body. And the whole time I was passive aggressively fighting him. Then I realized you can’t fight passively against an opponent that fights flat out aggressively:-). 

Under the guise of humility, I called into question elements of my music that were 100% honest. I let various outside opinions walk around my mind as if it was a fact. They were mostly well meaning, and what’s funny is 95% of it was totally positive, but I gave the few criticisms or suggestions too much weight… I once heard a Madonna quote where she said something like “if there’s a hundred people in a room and ninety nine of them love what I do but ONE doesn’t, all I can focus on is that one who doesn’t”… even though it’s Madonna, that can sometimes sum up what it’s like being an “artist”… at some level most of us are doing this because we have something to say, something to give and want to loved or known… we want to connect.

Outside opinions and constructive criticism are sometimes extremely helpful. Especially in areas where you have a question mark hanging inside… the hard part is that often those “question areas” are areas of denial! So it will take a few days for a criticism (which might be greeted with defensiveness) to sink in and ring true. So trusted advisors and honest (gently honest) friends are a must. BUT (big butt), when the opinions start stacking up and they are varied and are coming from different angles and they don’t ring true, a line has to be drawn.

It’s a fact that almost everyone has an opinion and in the music industry you gotta watch out for those who might have their own agenda or can find something wrong with anything and everything. We’re all critics aren’t we? It’s fun to be the person with the “great insight” or the “key comment”. What’s weird is that things are going GREAT with the band, the thing is the energy surrounding everything has been cranked up… the stakes are higher and having a solid foundation is more important than ever. 

It’s a little freaky being this honest and open on a “blog”… But screw it. You only live twice.

My problem these last couple weeks was that I care SO much about what we’re doing as a band and these songs are SO personal that I forgot to put on my Thick Skin. And most importantly I had forgotten WHY I write songs and WHO I write them for. Basically I had forgotten to put the Lord first. I had forgotten to filter EVERYTHING through Him. Whether in prayer or intellectually. The second I remembered that things started to become clear… and over the course of about an hour I rediscovered my foundation and perspective came back… my skin grew back to the proper thickness:-). I felt less of a need to defend myself. I felt something resembling humility creep back into my thought process. I felt optimistic, grateful and excited again. Basically I felt the presence of the Lord. Except instead of taking it for granted, I had the memory (only an hour before), of how it felt to PUSH Him out and try to control the whole thing myself. Ouch, what an awful and scary feeling it was to feel so foundation-less.

Compromise is really healthy UNLESS what you’re compromising is yourself and what you believe. Turn on the tv or the radio and it’s clear how much unhealthy compromise exists out there in the creative world… compromise merely to please someone else… compromise to make an extra buck… compromise to appeal to base-level human desires… the list goes on… When the foundation is secure, suddenly things aren’t as blurry.

Lesson learned? I hope so. Maybe part of the lesson is that it’s a daily lesson… it isn’t a one time thing, where you can just “set it and forget it!”… it’s a process.

If you’re reading this and you’re coming from the same spiritual place… your prayer is SO appreciated. If you’re coming from a different place, your thoughts, questions and challenges are welcome. 

Thanks for reading this thing.

- Adam